Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
