I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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