Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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