his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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