she was so not down for the gang bang
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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