I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
