miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
did i walk over a car last night?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
