I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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