I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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