Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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