when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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