I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
