You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
