You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
