I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
