After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize