How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
