I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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