Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
