im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
