What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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