I got chris browned last night
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
