His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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