I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
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He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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