dude i'm inner monologue high
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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