sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
