i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
