I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
