I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
