she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
