You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
