Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
