Where did you get a picture of my penis
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
