i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
