yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
