Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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