My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Life is so much better after having sex.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
