Your mouth is God's brothel.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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