Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
my liver is dry heaving
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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