Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
