I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
