My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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