even my farts smell like vagina
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
