I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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