You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
