I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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