The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
