you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
