How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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