I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
