I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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