Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
