I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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