Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
