You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
