You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
