You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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