what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
