I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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