I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
