Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
