Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
