I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
